First Things First: I’m Not a Good Guy…

(AKA: In the Beginning There Was Spiritual Trauma)

Hey! It’s been a while. I took a break. I’ve been working on myself and taking a “sabbatical” for some time now (always will be working on myself by the way). I think I’m finally ready to start blogging again. You’ll notice that I’ll be taking a slightly different direction regarding content and purpose. I’m not in ministry at the time of writing this. I took a break. I’m not sure if it will be forever or not. I think I will go back into it soon. I just wanted to go back to school and just breathe for a moment. I say that to communicate with you that whatever I write is from the heart and I say it realizing my own flaws and limitations. I only wish to help. No other motive! Also, I have another article with more details about where I am and where I’ve been if you’re interested. Okay! Let me share something I’ve been thinking about…

I believe in reconciliation. But that is only possible if we are brutally honest about the pain we cause others. Believe me when I say that I know I only stand because of the grace of God. I am the chief of all sinners, and it is by his grace that I am who I am. I write messages of religious thought and post content online not because I’m a good guy but because I realize that I’m not. I’m not a good guy. Whatever good that is in me is because of the image of Jesus working itself out within my soul as I die daily to self and live only in Jesus. Perfectly? Not even kind of close. But sincerely? You better believe it!

But I’m not alone…

“In the beginning… there was spiritual trauma.”

Wait, what?  

Perhaps I should start from the beginning. Well, really, that is the beginning. But perhaps I should clarify the beginning by presenting some context.

Whatever evil I’ve ever said or done belongs to me. I must take responsibility for the scars I’ve left on people’s hearts. I own that pain that I’ve caused, whether its source was intentional actions, unintentional actions, or poor judgment. I carry that regret even if my actions were influenced by mental illness, environmental context, and spiritual, emotional, or physical trauma.

There are people whose names I don’t know, that I know I’ve hurt. I still see their faces. There are people whose names I do know, but I don’t know if I hurt them because they haven’t told me yet. There are apologies that I’ve given. There are apologies I haven’t given, whether it’s because I didn’t know I hurt the individual, I didn’t know to what extent I hurt them, or frankly, I didn’t know if I would cause more harm than good by apologizing.

And then there’s the fact that I’m a coward.

I made my biggest mistakes and caused the most pain in my life before my brain was even completely formed. So, if by chance, you are reading this and I’ve ever hurt you in any way, I’m sorry. I really am. And if that apology isn’t good enough, tell me. Seriously! I want to know. I want to own my mistakes. I want to tell you how sorry I am and how who I am hates who I’ve been. You don’t have to carry that burden anymore. If I’ve ever hurt you in any way, give that burden back to me. I know it won’t take away the pain, but maybe healing will begin from there. For both of us!

I believe in reconciliation. But that is only possible if we are brutally honest about the pain we cause others. Believe me when I say that I know I only stand because of the grace of God. I am the chief of all sinners, and it is by his grace that I am who I am. I write messages of religious thought and post content online not because I’m a good guy, but because I realize that I’m not. I’m not a good guy. Whatever good that is in me is because of the image of Jesus working itself out within my soul as I die daily to self and live only in Jesus. Perfectly? Not even kind of close. But sincerely? You better believe it!

But I’m not alone…

“In the beginning… there was spiritual trauma.”

I wish I knew where it began. What led me to hurt so many people in my youth? My therapist says my issues could come from my bipolar disorder. Or maybe PTSD from when a family friend molested me when I was a child. Or maybe my severe anxiety that often leads to paranoia, which leads to fear, which leads to apathy. He says that maybe it’s because I was raised by people who were kids themselves (my mom was a teen when I was born). They were kids who suffered from even greater family traumas than I did, but with fewer words to articulate it than I’ve been privileged to receive. It could be that I was raised in a low-key cult that, with undoubtedly good intentions and sincere hearts, unwittingly taught perfectionism, fear, and control were really ways that God and “elderships” expressed love.

I want to be abundantly clear, I am not making excuses. I own the regret in my life. Every single day, the sins of my teens and early 20s haunt me because I know I’ve caused so much pain and heartache. It feels unfixable. But it is my burden to carry. I do not blame PTSD from sexual abuse, I don’t blame my young, traumatized parents, I don’t blame the religion I was brought up in, I don’t blame my bipolar disorder, I don’t blame my anxiety, I don’t blame anyone or anything but myself. Could (and did) those things influence and provoke things in me that I didn’t know how to deal with? Yes! Did I go undiagnosed and untreated most of my life? Yes! Do those things make it more likely that I would lack the judgment or tools needed to put myself in better situations and treat others with dignity and respect? Yes! But when all is said and done, I own my mistakes. There is a context, and hopefully, that is understood, but context is not an excuse. Someone who steals fudge rounds from Target just to see if they can get away with it is not the same as someone who steals bread from the Dollar General because his family is starving. Stealing is always wrong. Period! But it is worth mentioning the context. Context determines the meaning behind people’s, thoughts, words, and actions.

I believe in reconciliation. But that is only possible if we are brutally honest about the pain, we cause others. Believe me when I say that I know I only stand because of the grace of God. I am the chief of all sinners, and it is by his grace that I am who I am. I write messages of religious thought and post content online not because I’m a good guy, but because I realize that I’m not. I’m not a good guy. Whatever good that is in me is because of the image of Jesus working itself out within my soul as I die daily to self and live only in Jesus. Perfectly? Not even kind of close. But sincerely? You better believe it!

But I’m not alone…

“In the beginning… there was spiritual trauma.”

In this physical world, there are differing degrees of consequences to our actions. When I say consequences, I’m not talking about a prescribed punishment. I’m talking about the natural result, the ripple effect of our actions. Some of those consequences are good, and some aren’t. There are usually greater consequences when someone murders than when someone lies, for example. We all have our own context that influences the good and the bad parts of who we are. The imperfect parts of each individual may have different consequences than that of another individual, but we are all flawed. And, while God is not ignorant to the levels of physical consequence, his main concern is the spiritual consequence. I’ll make my case for that in later articles but hear me out for now.

We ALL have a part in whatever we call evil. Assuming you are a Christian, you believe that we all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God and that nobody is without sin (Romans 3; 1 John 1). You believe that this all started in the beginning (Romans 5; Genesis 3). So, whether you lied, gossiped, were prideful, killed someone, committed adultery, or whatever it might be, regardless of the physical consequence, you are part of the problem of evil in the world. I am part of the problem too. If anyone preaches the gospel of grace, it isn’t because he doesn’t need grace that he so boldly shouts it from the rooftops. He preaches it because he who is forgiven of much loves much (Luke 7)! Though our sins are as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow (Isaiah 1)!

From the very beginning, we have all had our own spiritual trauma. Sometimes it has manifested itself in physical ways. Maybe you suffer from a rough upbringing, maybe you were abused, maybe you were abandoned, maybe you have a mental illness, maybe you are in poverty, maybe your name has been shamed for things that may or not be in your control. The list goes on.

Likewise, maybe you caused your child to have a rough upbringing, maybe you have emotionally or physically abused someone, maybe you abandoned others, maybe you weren’t patient towards someone with a mental illness, maybe you have stolen from someone, maybe you have shamed someone for something that may or may not be in their control. The list goes on.

We all have spiritual trauma. But healing and reconciliation start with forgiveness, patience, and taking responsibility for the harm we have caused others, intentionally or not.

But while we are working on reconciliation, I thank God for grace. It is everlasting. I thank God for carrying our cross with us. He takes the guilt that belongs to me. And I thank God for spiritual family who carries our burdens and helps us to grow in love, mercy, humility, and grace!

This is a Christian blog with an emphasis on reconciliation, de/reconstruction, and churches of Christ (Restoration Movement). I am a sinner saved by grace. I am an imperfect follower of Jesus. I am a humbled and thankful servant of one much greater than myself. I often feel like I am nothing. I am often ashamed. I am often full of regret. I am part of the problem in this world. But in Him, I am a child of God, I am worth everything, I am healed from the pain that I’ve caused and that others have caused me. I am being transformed into the image of Jesus!

So, first things first, I’m not a good guy. Wanna heal together? – Jesse

ALSO SEE: Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been, But Who I Belong to Makes All Things New!